I wish you don’t wish

I wish I had more time with my Dad

I wish we didn’t move so much when I was little

I wish I had have really thought about what I wanted to do before I started uni

I wish I had have followed some of my passions when I was younger

I wish our house hadn’t flooded

I wish I didn’t become so ‘serious’ as I’ve grown older

I wish I laughed more

I wish I didn’t let little stuff annoy me

I wish I had have visited my friends more

Dad
Dad and I when I was born

If I think about it boys, I have a lot of wishes. The reality is, a lot of these wishes are within my control.  I could have changed the outcome.  They didn’t have to be wishes. They could’ve been a reality.

A few days ago, an old friend who I went to primary school with passed away.  We were best mates when we lived in the same town.  Some people you just click with you’ll find and she was one of them for me.  To be honest, I can’t even remember what we talked about.  I have these memories of our time together, and they’re all happy, fun times.  They were actually some of the best times of my childhood.

As it was in our family, we moved a lot, because of Dad’s work.  I hated moving.  It was just our norm but I knew it wasn’t normal.  Move somewhere new, settle in, make friends, then move again.  I was quite a shy kid and I think moving all the time just made it worse.  I never had a solid group of friends, I was always having to make new ones.  To be fair, it did allow me to cross paths with people I never would have.  But all in all, I wouldn’t want to do it again, and I wouldn’t want it for you boys.

Most friends over time, I lost contact with.  This one particular friend however, I stayed in contact with more.  I remember my Dad dropping me at her house in the early hours of the morn on his way up to Auckland.  I remember us and her sister playing out the front of their house.  I remember swimming, I remember bike riding, I remember laughing.  As the years went on, our trips back to see each other dwindled.  Back then, there weren’t any cellphones or social media to keep in touch, just good old home phones and letters, so it wasn’t as easy.  However, we went to each other’s wedding days, which I am really grateful for now.

Just over two years ago this friend found out she had cancer.  My heart sank for her when I read it online.  I watched her journey with this beast as she openly shared.  What she went through, no person should ever have to, especially one so young and with a young family.

Today we went along to her service after she passed away on Friday.  The thing is boys, leading up to today and travelling down there I was so mad at myself.  I was mad, because I wish that I wasn’t heading down there for her funeral.  I wish that I had driven down there to see her earlier.  I wish I had have taken the time to go and see her a long time ago.  Truth is, I had intended to, but intention is nothing without action.  You can make all the excuses in the world but the fact is, that I didn’t plan it so it didn’t happen.  Then it got to the point where it was too late.  You might think you have all the time in the world but time is so precious and it passes quicker than you think.

 

So to my friend, I say sorry.  Sorry I didn’t come and see you sooner.  Sorry I didn’t see you more.    I’m gutted I wasn’t able to enjoy your friendship in our older years, as much as I enjoyed it in our younger days.  To any of my other friends reading this, I vow to be a better friend.  I promise to make time to see you.

To my boys, I wish that you don’t wish like I do. If you think you’ll regret something, you probably will.  If you have a wish, make it happen.

Mama x

 

The day the birds stopped singing

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